Last Night | moonshadoe's Blog

(6:06AM) It was the first time I had ever exchanged a line with him, and I was surprised to see a Facebook invite from a cousin that I had never seen or spoken with. At first I was more than glad, but things quickly went south in sorrow from there as I found out that his mother had passed away two days earlier. I was stunned. I didn't really know her all that well because not long after she married a first cousin of mine I went into the military, and they moved to Texas where they've spent the better part of the last thirty years. 

   I remember the way she looked in the early days. She was a very attractive woman back then, on the thin side, but not too thin. She had black hair that came within a few inches of her shoulders, and beautiful eyes. My cousin was a very lucky guy, and how he landed her I'll never really know. She was a serious babe who could easily turn heads without even trying. 

   The last time I saw her was two or three years ago at a funeral for my uncle, her father-in-law, and at the time I didn't even recognize her. She was nothing like I had seen her those not so many years ago. She was seriously thin, and looked like she spent way too much time in the sun, and she had lots of wrinkles to prove that. Her hair was much lighter, but it was longer than before. When I had first seen her I knew that she smoked, but I think she was smoking more when I saw her last. I don't know if she drank or not, but I suppose it was possible. Life can do that to a person, and I'm beginning to understand why, but I still say that all things should be done in moderation. That is to say, you control it without letting it control you. 

   At first when I was reading my cousin's profile page I didn't catch the news. I was too sidetracked by crossing paths with someone I had only heard about in the past for the very first time. It was only when I gazed down the page that I realized what had happened, and all I could do was think of what he must have been going through. I've been in that same place myself. I was also thinking about my cousin, and how he must have been taking the loss. I'm still wondering if there was anything that might have suggested that it was going to happen soon, but my newfound cousin didn't give any indication in anything he had written. One entry he had made had suggested that all was well on a Sunday evening, but everything went upside down when Monday morning came along, and there's no way a person can prepare for a loss like that. 

   I should have gotten my cousin's phone number last night so I could call him and let him know how sorry I am. My hope is that other family members have gone down to be with him, because as far as family goes, he's the only one in Texas, along with his two kids from this, his second, marriage. Everyone else lives in the midwest a lot of hours away. Something like that is very tough to deal with when you're all by yourself. But my heart does go out to him and his chidren. You don't get over something like that in a day, a month, or sometimes, even a lifetime. I can only wish them strength going forward, but I know about losing a loved one too, but not a spouse.

(5:02PM) I have survived another fine day at the orifice. I guess it was fine. It didn't feel much different from yesterday, only one day closer to the weekend, for whatever that's worth. I guess it was a busy day, but amongst the usual activity I had my cousin on my mind. I found myself thinking back on when I was a kid, back before gray hair and I became constant companions. Once more I found myself thinking about time, and it's something that none of us can get away from, and if we do, it stops. I was thinking of what he must be going through, and when you've had your ripped out it's pretty hard to put it back in place. In his case I don't know if there was anything that could have been done to change anything. I don't know any of the circumstances, so I don't know if she had heart trouble, cancer, or what it might have been. I can only think that one day a person is here, and the next day that person is gone. Many times I have found myself wondering if people wake up in the morning thinking that it could very well be their last day on earth, and even if we know the time is short, is anyone ever actually ready for it? I think if we're given a heads up we still find ourselves in a state of denial, hoping that we can squeeze out just one more day, and then it's all gone leaving only the memories in the wake of what was once a living, breathing person.

Having just dropped these lines I now realize that I probably shouldn't have written them out of respect for someone who frequents this place quite a bit, and she knows who she is. She's been in the same boat as my cousin, knows that same pain, that same emptiness, but she finds the strength to carry on. It's something we all have to do, because that's the way life is, and now I'm going to chill on this. I need to make an exit lest my butt and the chair I'm sitting on become siamese twins, and I'm gone now.

(7:53PM) For some the night is still young. For me, it's just the night. My daughter is either still working, or she's at her future husband's place. My wife is working at Home Depot, where you can do it, and they can charge you big bucks for whatever it is you do. That leaves me here at the homestead with the dog, and he isn't much in the way of company. Oh sure, once in a while he'll bark, but if I wanted his opinion I'd ask for it, and I don't remember asking.   

The day was there, but now it's gone. When the five o'clock hour came around I was more than ready to hit the bricks, but I had to hang around just a few more minutes to check out a few places in cyberspace. Through the course of the day I was thinking of what I wanted to do once I made my exit, and the first thing I was going to do was hit the local farm and home store to get some shelled corn for the deer that come up in my backyard late in the evening. Along with the corn I was going to get another range block for them, and a special holder to put it in, something that wouldn't hold any water from the rain. I also had this plan to check out a store in the south end of town that had a bourbon I've grown rather fond of over the past few months. I can't say my wife has grown fond of it, but I'm thinking that she'll get over it as long as I'm still working overtime. I have a feeling when the overtime stops something else might stop too, but we shall see about that.   

As I had planned, so I did. Upon leaving work I hit the local farm and home store and acquired what I had in mind, and even though the wife will probably have a few words to say to me about what I did, the deer won't mind at all. They didn't the last time I went out of my way to do them a special favor.   

Once I'd whipped out the plastic on that purchase I jumped in the hand-me-down car I drive to go in search of the bourbon of choice that will probably get me in trouble one day. It only took a little over five minutes to get there, but upon entering the store I had to take my time. For me it's like walking into a museum, so I took my sweet time gazing at the different versions of bourbons, scotches, and blended whiskies. Of course, I already knew what I was going to walk out with, but who knows, the next time around I may get a wild hair for something else. After about ten or fifteen minutes of browsing I grabbed a bottle of Rebel, and to the checkout counter I went. Once making my purchase I was ready to hit the door, and then, the road.   

But here it is a few hours later, and I'm kicking back listening to the tunes from back in a better day. I need to put some dishes away, and make a bed, and maybe I'll grab one more shot before I hit the sack, and right now I like the way I'm feeling. It never hurts to grab onto a little bit of nostalgia once in a while, even if it means that it's influenced by something in a shot glass, and now I think I'm done for the night, but the next time around won't be far away.